Self help
The self-help tools on this website are evidence based methods to help deal with your emotions and common mental health conditions. We are all individuals and respond to situations in different ways, so not every tool will work for everyone. As with any new skill, with some exploration, time and practice it is possible for everybody to learn ways to manage and improve their emotional health and mental wellbeing.
Last updated: 11 September 2024
Services, self-help tools and resources you can access without GP referral, including online guides, courses and apps.
Contents
- Self-help resources
- Self-help apps
- Further information
- Anger and frustration
- Communication and assertiveness
- Mindfulness
- Relaxation
- Self esteem and confidence
- Social isolation and loneliness
- Recommended reading list
- Personalised Mind Plan - quiz
Self-help resources
If you're in need of support but don't feel ready to talk to someone just yet, there are multiple local and national self-help resources available for you to browse whenever you wish. These self-help tools are evidence-based methods of managing emotions and common mental health conditions, which could work well for your needs.
Everyone responds to situations and resources in different ways, so not every tool will work for you. However, if you spend some time exploring these resources, you may find which ones you find help support and maintain your mental wellbeing.
- NHS Every Mind Matters - offers people a personalised mind plan, plus mental health advice, self-help articles, audio guides and videos with tips to help you deal with stress and anxiety, improve your sleep, boost your mood and feel more in control. This service is online only.
- NHS Self help webpages have tips, guides, tools and activities to support and improve mental health and wellbeing (including relaxation and breathing exercises).
- Guided self help and e-learning is available from Surrey's Talking Therapy services.
- Surrey Libraries, Reading Well - books with information and support for managing common mental health problems. Find your nearest library.
- The charity Mind has information and support for family, friends and carers supporting someone with their mental wellbeing. Tips and guides to help you cope with everyday worries and mental wellbeing issues.
- Royal College of Psychiatrists - User-friendly and evidence-based information for patients, carers, family and friends covering a range of mental wellbeing problems and information on support, care and treatment available.
- Action for Happiness - Monthly calendars filled with mindful actions, courses on creating happiness for you and others and information on an app with daily action ideas inspiring messages. This service is online only.
Self-help alone may not be appropriate for everybody. If you feel you need more support or these self-help services do not work for you, you can always contact your GP or look at some of the local services you can self-refer to.
Self-help apps
If you have a smartphone, you can access or download apps that can help you manage your mental health and wellbeing. Apps can provide information, tips, games, exercises and self-help to help:
- Understand your moods and feelings better
- Learn and practise new coping skills (such as relaxation and mindfulness)
- Connect with others
Some apps are free, others require a one-off payment or a regular monthly subscription – and many are available from 'app' stores like Apple App Store and Google Play).
The national mental health charity Mind has an App library that lists apps which have checked and meet their quality standards.
A couple of examples of free apps include:
- Action for Happiness app provides simple, daily action ideas designed to help you boost your own wellbeing and spread more happiness to others around you too. The app also lets you share your own actions and ideas with others in the community. The app is available on iOS and Android.
- The Staying Alive app is a suicide prevention app, including national and local crisis resources, personalised safety plans, reasons for living, interactive wellness plans and how to help a person thinking about suicide. The app is available on Apple and Android.
It is a good to make sure the app is genuine and secure, especially before entering personal information or paying to use it. Check the reviews in the app store: a real app will likely have hundreds of positive reviews.
The national mental health charity Mind has some tips on finding trustworthy mental health information online.
Further information
Anger is a normal, natural feeling that affects most of us at some point. Sometimes anger can be a helpful emotion. But sometimes it can be difficult to manage and can make our lives harder. For some people, anger can get out of control and cause problems with relationships, work and even the law. So, learning how to recognise, express and manage anger is important and can make a big difference to our mental health.
Anger can be caused by many different things. It can be due to feeling upset, sad, low, stressed, tired, hungry or pain. It can also be due to feeling misheard, misunderstood, undervalued, threatened, sexually frustrated or out of control or a reaction to life events or things in our past. Anger can also be a symptom of depression, especially in men.
When we are angry we can experience:
- Clouding of our thinking and judgement that may lead to actions that are unreasonable/irrational and that we may later regret. and negative thoughts (for example thoughts such as 'no one listens to me, people are always criticising me')
- Negative emotions (for example irritation, resentment, rage, feeling you can't control yourself, guilt)
- Physical reactions (for example shaking/trembling, racing heart, tense muscles, headache, clenched jaw, teeth grinding)
- Negative behaviour (for example arguing, shouting or withdrawing from others, slamming doors, throwing things, becoming violent).
These factors can affect each other and keep the vicious cycle of anger going.
Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments and physical fights, but sometimes it causes people to 'bottle up' emotions and feel withdrawn. Uncontrolled anger can often lead to feelings of depression and low self-worth.
What can help
Safely expressing and controlling anger. The goal of effective anger control is not to eliminate anger altogether, but to learn to recognise it and channel it into behaviour that is productive not destructive. For example:
- Try to recognise when you start to feel angry - look out for warning signs like a racing heart, fast breathing, tension, clenched jaw and fists.
- Give yourself time to think before reacting – try walking away briefly or counting to 10 before reacting.
- Try some calming breathing exercises and/or releasing some pent up energy safely by exercising, hitting a pillow or smashing ice cubes in a sink.
- Talk to someone about what's making you angry – this could be to the person/people you are feeling anger towards (when you are feeling calmer)
- Talk to someone not connected to the situation, such as a friend, a GP, talking therapy or community connections support group
- Find out how to raise your self-esteem, including how to be more assertive.
Useful Contacts:
- Surrey Recovery College runs online courses on: Managing Intense Emotions; Confidence and Self-Esteem; Healthy Boundaries and Healthy Relationships
- Surrey's free Talking Therapy services can help you if you feel that anger is having a negative effect on your mood and mental wellbeing. You can access these services yourself or ask a GP or health professional to refer you.
- Surrey Community Connections offer 1 to 1 support to develop coping skills, support groups and activities to help improve wellbeing and manage mental health. You can access these services yourself.
- NHS website has information and advice to help with anger.
- The Mind website gives more information about how anger feels and affects your mental and physical health, when it becomes a problem, dealing with anger, You will also find a downloadable leaflet which goes into more detail on how to manage anger, the support available and useful contacts.
- The British Association of Anger management has information and podcasts.
Communication is a key aspect of our lives – it allows us to exchange information, connect and build relationships with other people. Talking things over with friends, family or other trusted people can help give clarity, a different perspective and lift a weight off your shoulders if something is troubling you. And taking time to listen to others can help give similar benefits to them.
Effective communication is important because it influences all our relationships (personal and work). There are some essential skills of good communication:
- Listening to what the other person is saying. Effective listening is an active skill:
- Be encouraging (for example, nod your head)
- Don't interrupt
- Ask open ended questions (for example, 'how do you feel?' rather than 'are you sad?') and
- Avoid judgement.
- Noticing the non-verbal signals/body language which send strong messages (and sometimes differ to what is being said)
- Expressing what you think and feel
- Accepting the other person's opinions and feelings
In contrast poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, disputes and isolation.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is where our feelings, wants, needs and boundaries are communicated in an open, honest and respectful manner, without going against the rights of other people. It includes saying "no" to others and expressing personal opinions and boundaries without feeling self-conscious or apologetic.
Assertiveness is different to being aggressive – where we do not consider other people's rights, and different to being passive – where we do not consider our own rights.
We can improve our assertiveness with practice.
Useful Contacts:
- Surrey Recovery College runs courses on healthy boundaries and healthy relationships
- The NHS website has information and tips on raising self-esteem and assertiveness
- There are some online tips on assertiveness on the BBC and Psychology Today
- Relate offers information and advice on relationships as well as relationship counselling and mediation services and there are several branches in Surrey.
Mindfulness is the practice of paying more attention/being more aware of ourselves (physically, emotionally and mentally) and our surroundings. This kind of awareness (done with acceptance and without judgement), can help us understand ourselves better and help us notice signs of unhelpful thought patterns, stress or anxiety earlier. This awareness can then help us deal with them better, starting by interrupting the autopilot mode we often operate in day to day and giving us a different perspective. Mindfulness is also an effective way to help prevent recurrent depression.
Mindfulness can also help us enjoy the world around us more, for example we can begin to experience afresh things that we have begun taking for granted. Life often becomes busy and overwhelming and it can be easy to end up paying very little attention to what is happening in the present, and get caught up thinking about the future or the past. Many of our experiences and much of our life can go by unnoticed and ultimately unappreciated. Mindfulness can help you be in the present moment more and learn to observe, accept and appreciate your experiences.
Mindfulness can be practiced in our everyday activities, like walking, eating or washing up, by being fully present to what we experience through our senses whilst doing them. For example paying attention to what we see around us when we are walking, feeling the contact our feet have with the pavement, grass or floor, listening to the sounds in the street or park or home, noticing what smells there are around.
Mindfulness can also be practiced in a more formal way, for example in mindfulness based meditations:
- sitting silently and paying attention to the physical sensations that are present in different parts of the body (body scan), and the thoughts and emotions that are present
- focussing our attention on our breathing
- and bringing your attention back to these whenever the mind starts to wander.
Useful Contacts:
- The national charity Mind and the NHS website offer more information about mindfulness including simple tips on how to practice it, some exercises to try and how it can help with mental health problems, and links for where you can learn more details.
- Every Mind Matters has a two minute video (with subtitles) on mindfulness and a mindfulness breathing exercise.
- The Free Mindfulness Project has a range of free mindfulness exercises you can download, including using breathing, imagery and movement.
- Some structured mindfulness therapy programmes have been developed to treat specific problems. The most well-established courses are:
- Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) for depression and anxiety.
- Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) for general stress. It can also help you manage long-term health conditions.
Relaxation is an important skill to both maintain and improve emotional and physical health. Using relaxation techniques can decrease both muscle tension and feelings of emotional distress and can leave the body and mind feeling relaxed, calm and focused.
There are many ways to relax, including everyday activities like simply taking a break over a cuppa, having a change of scene or going for a walk (especially in a green space in nature), reading a book/magazine, listening to some music, having a bath or doing something you enjoy.
There are also many different types of effective relaxation techniques, for example breathing, muscle relaxation, mediation and mindfulness.
Different ways to relax will suit different people, so it's good to try different techniques and see which works well for you.
When choosing a relaxation technique it is best to consider your specific needs and preferences.
- What do you enjoy doing?
- What fits into your lifestyle and commitments?
- What can you do to relax for general good health versus specific techniques you may use at times of feeling stressed?
Breathing Techniques
- Simply noticing if you are breathing more from your chest (which can intensify feelings of stress or anxiety), and if so, trying to feel the breath more in your belly area and lower ribs, can help you feel more relaxed.
- Keeping your shoulders relaxed, when you are breathing in, let your stomach expand and feel your ribs move outwards and then both of them contract as you breathe out.
- Try counting as you breathe. Start by counting 'one, two, three, four' as you breathe in and 'one, two, three, four' as you breathe out. Work out what number is comfortable for you.
- Extending the length of the out breath a little (if it feels comfortable to do so) can make you feel more relaxed. For example breathing out for one or two counts longer than you breathe in for.
Progressive muscle relaxation
Combines relaxation of the mind and body in order to reduce anxiety and tension that can build up in the muscles. The aim of this exercise is to gradually move through all the main muscles in the body, tensing and relaxing each muscle. When tensing each muscle, hold for no more than five seconds before releasing. If any muscle tension causes you any significant discomfort, release the muscle and continue with the rest of the exercise.
Useful contacts:
- The Mind website provides information on relaxation, including tips and exercises to help you relax.
- The Headspace website has some useful explanations and examples of relaxation techniques.
- BBC Headroom website has some relaxing soundscapes to listen to.
- These two NHS resources have various audio guided relaxation practices (visualisation, breathing, progressive muscle relaxation). This one has both male and female voices
The opinions and beliefs we have about ourselves are influenced and shaped by the experiences that we have had and continue to have during our lives. This includes the way that we are treated, observing how others behave, the society we live in, as well as media influences and stereotypes.
Self-esteem is the way we think, feel and value ourselves as a person. Self-confidence is our perceived ability or feeling of trust in our abilities, qualities and judgement.
Low self-esteem is having a low or negative overall opinion of yourself, being critical, judging and evaluating yourself harshly. Symptoms of low self-esteem can include: being highly critical of yourself or your actions/abilities; having high self-doubt or only seeing yourself to blame if things go wrong; ignoring positive qualities or finding it hard to accept compliments; predicting that things will not turn out well; feeling depressed, anxious, guilty, ashamed or frustrated.
These thoughts and feelings may then make life more difficult. For example a person may avoid challenges, have a reduced performance at work, find it difficult to say 'no', put others' needs ahead of their own or have altered relationships with friends, family or colleagues.
Some self-help tips to boost your self-esteem and confidence include:
- Think about what is affecting your self-esteem and confidence: has it been lowered after a difficult experience or series of negative life events? Just recognising and talking about this may help
- Avoid negative self-talk: notice when you do this and ask yourself 'would I talk to, or think about a loved one or good friend in such a negative way?'
- Focus on your positives: write a list of them (if you find this hard to do, ask a loved one of friend to describe your positives), celebrate your successes and accept compliments
- Connect with and spend time with people who love and appreciate you: this can help you feel better about yourself
- Set yourself an enjoyable challenge: achieving it will make you feel better about yourself
- Learn to be assertive: if you go out of your way to help others and feel it's the only way they'll like you, try saying no before agreeing to do something you don't want to do
- Take care of and prioritise yourself: make time to relax, sleep, exercise and eat healthily and do things you enjoy
Useful Contacts:
- The Mind website provides more information on 'How to increase your self-esteem'. It includes practical suggestions for what you can do and where to get support.
- Surrey Recovery College has a course on Confidence and Self Esteem.
- Community Connections services offer confidence building sessions and a range of 1-1 and group sessions/activities that can help with self esteem and confidence. You can access these services yourself - or ask a GP or health professional to refer you. There are three different providers according to which part of Surrey you live in.
- Surrey's Talking Therapy services can help you if you feel that low self-esteem/confidence is having a negative effect on your mood and mental wellbeing. You can access these services yourself - or ask a GP or health professional to refer you.
Loneliness and social isolation are when you feel alone (even if you are surrounded by people) and not part of a community, social or cultural group and activities.
It is quite normal to experience loneliness or social isolation at some points in our lives - it is an emotion that comes with being human - as we need social connection to survive. There are many things that can increase feelings of social isolation including relationship breakdown, bereavement, role change (e.g. becoming a new parent or carer, loosing a job or retiring), not having a job or meaningful activity, moving to a new area, social anxiety, or shyness. And in recent years many of us experienced both loneliness and social isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Possible signs and symptoms of feeling isolated are reduced confidence, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, shortened attention span, increased forgetfulness, general ill health or increased risk of substance or alcohol misuse. Feeling lonely or isolated can often have a negative effect on a person's mental well-being.
Humans are a social species. Most people need a certain level of social interaction with others to stay healthy, although the amount is different for everyone.
Getting in touch with and spending time with friends and family – or making new connections/friends can reduce your chances of becoming lonely, low or depressed. Even short everyday exchanges with other people, allow us to make connections, which can help us feel happier and less lonely. Whether it's staff where you get a coffee/tea, a friendly dog owner on your walk, or the shopkeeper down the road, everyday moments of connection matter and make a positive difference to our wellbeing.
Useful contacts:
- Surrey Community Connections services include one to one support, support groups, walking groups and a wide range of other activities where you can connect with other people who may be feeling low and isolated.
- Surrey Virtual Wellbeing Hub provides a range of online and in person free sessions, activities, coffee chats, walks and workshops where you can meet other people.
- The Surrey Recovery College has an online course on overcoming loneliness
- Connect to Support Surrey lists a range of activities that you can do with other people.
- Volunteering is a good way to meet and spend time with others and there are a range of volunteering opportunities and activities in Surrey.
- The Marmalade Trust charity has produced a guide to loneliness - by building our understanding of loneliness, we can help ourselves and others to manage the feeling. And has information and advice on connecting with other people to help reduce loneliness
- Side by Side is a safe and supportive online community developed by the charity Mind, where you can be yourself, listen, share and be heard. It is also available as a mobile phone app. We all know what it's like to struggle sometimes, but now there is a safe place to listen, share and be heard.
- Reading Friends – provided by Surrey Libraries – is a reading based befriending scheme which connects people experiencing loneliness and isolation by starting conversations through reading. Therefore providing opportunities to meet others, share stories, make new friends, and have fun.
- Surrey libraries offer a Reading Friends and Reading Well scheme with a range of books to encourage understanding and awareness about mental health and wellbeing (The books are recommended and endorsed by GPs and other medical professionals and people with experience of the conditions or topics covered).
- Reading Well for Teens recommends expert endorsed books about mental health, providing 13 to 18 year olds with advice and information about issues like anxiety, stress and OCD, and difficult experiences like bullying and exams.
- Reading Well has information and support for people living or caring for someone with a long term health condition. The booklist covers general advice and information about common symptoms and specific conditions such as arthritis, bowel conditions, diabetes, heart disease and stroke. The books have all been recommended by people with lived experience of long term conditions and health professionals.
- Books on prescription - Dementia factual, fiction and memoir titles to provide information and advice and to explore dementia
Listed below are some useful books on emotional wellbeing and mental health:
Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world - Prof. Mark Williams & Dr. Danny Penman
Useful tips and techniques on how to contact Mindfulness in the modern day setting.
Why Zebras Don't get Ulcers - Robert M Sapolsky
An acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases and coping. This book provides cutting-edge research and practical advice to explain how prolonged stress causes or intensifies a range of physical and mental afflictions.
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem - Melanie Fennell
A self-help guide to help understand low self-esteem and how to break out of the vicious circle of negative self-image, learning the art of self-acceptance and altering your life for the better.
Get some Headspace - Andy Puddicombe
A guide to meditation, Andy Puddicombe shows how 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation into your day can bring about life changing results.
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
This book is intended to be a self-help guide for day-to-day living and stresses the importance of living in the present moment and avoiding thoughts of the past or future.
The Chimp Paradox, The Mind Management Programme for Confidence, Success and Happiness - Prof Steve Peters
The Chimp Paradox is an incredibly powerful mind management model that can help you become a happy, confident, healthier and more successful person. Prof Steve Peters explains the struggle that takes place within your mind and then shows how to apply this understanding to every area of your life so you can:
- Recognise how your mind is working
- Understand and manage your emotions and thoughts
- Manage yourself and become the person you would like to be
Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - David Veale and Rob Wilson
Mind plan quiz
For help to manage worries, sleep better and boost your mood, take the Mind Plan Quiz and get your free mental health action plan.
Get your Mind Plan
Answer 5 simple questions to get your personalised mental health action plan with tips and advice from mental health experts.
Your Mind Plan will help you:
- Deal with anxiety and stress
- Sleep better
- Feel more in control
Sign up to our 4-week email programme for helpful reminders and more advice that you can make part of your daily routine.
If you're under 18 this quiz might not be the best fit for you. Check out these self-care videos instead.
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